Humorous Musings & Observations from a Spooky Memory Witch

"Just a perfect day, you made me forget myself. I thought I was someone else..."

2012-01-08T01:00:00.002Z

My weekend was remarkably unremarkable...in fact, I'd go as far as to say that it SUCKED bigtime! So, as I am also becoming increasingly frustrated with status updates full of weather reports, angst, depression and recipe ideas (and that's just mine!) I am going to take this opportunity to fabricate ... nay, expand the truth about my weekend.

Saturday

6:00am Awoke feeling refreshed and vibrant. Padded downstairs in my pure silk nightdress and cashmere robe and bathed my face in the specially shipped in Evian dew on the grass of my perfectly coiffured lawn. Woke the children who all greeted me with sleepy eyes and a cheery hello. Had breakfast of freshly baked croissants, scrambled egg, crispy bacon, freshly squeezed orange juice and strawberries on the terrace under the gazebo. After breakfast the kids and I all had a quick swim in our private pool and then dressed and packed an overnight bag.

10:00am Children extremely excited as we took off for the South of France in our Lear Jet.

11:40am Strolled through the beautifully unchanged streets of Cannes for an hour or so, just enjoying the ambiance and the gorgeous weather.

1:00pm Boarded our yacht where a late lunch had been prepared for us by our personal chef. Scott remarked how good the food was. So glad I don't have fussy children!!

2:15pm Sailed a few miles up the coast until we reached a secluded beach. I lounged around on the deck while the children dove into the clear, blue water of the Mediterranean for the rest of the afternoon.

5:00pm Headed back round to the Marina. Although it was hard to leave the beach, we do like a little bit of life around us as night falls.

6:30pm Was beginning to get cooler and the sun was going down, so we all huddled on the deck in cosy blankets and chatted about the day for a while before dinner.

7:30pm Had dinner inside, which was delicious, and then back out to the deck where we chatted some more, played card games and watched the twinkly lights in the harbour. Listened to the sound of some distant music onshore and people watched for a long, long time...content in each other's company.

10:00pm Had been a wonderful, but long day so we all headed to bed. The children were bushed, so went without any argument. I tucked them all in with a loving kiss and they fell asleep immediately.

Sunday

10:00am

Flew home
washed the kid's school clothes the towels and some other stuff
cooked something ate it washed up
drove one of the kids to her friend's house
fought briefly with the youngest after she went in a strop about nothing
calmed the hell down by battering around the kitchen some more
went on the computer and did absolutely sod-all for half an hour
sat on my arse and watched the X Factor result show
got pissed off at the result
went out in the pissing fuckin' rain to pick up one of the kids who had missed a bus and then collected the other from her friend's house
blanked out while they all chattered like fuckin' monkeys in the car on the way home
avoided the HUGE puddles that were all over the place because of the constant sodding rain
got home, pissed off that the bottom of my trousers were all wet and slapping against my legs
went and put on some scabby old jammies
felt stressed and angry for no other reason than I was pissed off with the mundanity of it all fought with the youngest AGAIN after she went in another strop because I had forgotten to dry the towels and she needed one for the shower I had just INSISTED she take
found her a towel and then sat seething about being disorganised/treated like a servant
got even more pissed off when the older two went straight onto the laptops
tutted loudly and sulked, but didn't say anything
considered running away from home but decided instead to watch a programme about a guy who wiped out his entire family because....well, he was a deranged nutjob...and thought I was lucky that I'd never felt THAT angry
decided not to run away from home...at least not tonight
turned out the lights and went to bed

The End

Tai Chi...or something like it?

2009-09-20T08:41:00.004+01:00

We're going to Holland in a few weeks and one of the kids reminded me of something that happened 2 years ago, when we were on our way home from there.

The kids and I were on our way home from Holland via every toilet between Essex and Yorkshire. Hayley had been sick in the hotel in Harwich. Poor kid! The prospect of driving the 13 hours home, wasn't too appealing at that point. Added to this was my mum's constant texts, enquiring as to our whereabouts and our estimated time of arrival (so they could switch our heating on). It was really lovely of them, but I was DRIVING, I was stressed OUT, I was still approximately 350 miles from home with a sick kid....and mum kept texting me.

So, for the 1000th time that day I pulled into a carpark which was just behind a garage forecourt and told the kids to go play in the traffic.

It was actually really nice there. I'd parked under a weeping willow tree and I'd lit up a cigarette. Now, I thought, I'll call mum.

I was waitin for her to answer when I saw him...a tall, gangly bloke doing a slo.mo. impersonation of Jackie Chan, every movement was exaggerated and came complete with the odd facial contortion. It was apparent he thought no-one could see him, because our car was hidden by the tree and there was noone else around. I stood and watched him for a good two minutes, the laughter rising in my belly. I motioned to the kids and they spotted him immediately. Scott began copying him, which was rude, but by that time, I was incapable of chastising him, and as mum answered the call I let out an involuntary howl of laughter.

He heard me and stopped dead, shot me a look and then walked to another part of the garage forecourt and started his Tai Chi again.

I was laughing so hard that mum thought I was crying and it was a good 5 minutes til I composed myself enough to talk to her!

I wish I could have thanked the dude for totally destressing me that day, making me laugh so much that I had tears running down my cheeks, but he probably just thought I was being rude!

Chilli Dick!

2009-09-20T08:00:00.003+01:00

I was round at a friend's house (a year and a half ago!) and he cooked us a lovely spaghetti bolognese. He's a dab hand in the kitchen and he also told us a great story that night which I said I'd HAVE to blog! The week before he was preparing a meal which required fresh chilli. He de-seeded it...then inadvertently rubbed his chin, his nose, his eye...and before the effects of the spice had worked their magic, he went for a slash!

His girlfriend came home hours later to find him dabbing at his face and his knob with milk!

So it reminded me of the time that my hubby had a really sore back. Being the kind nursey type wife that I am, I offered to massage in a Deep Heat preparation that I'd had in the house for ages. I doubted it would still be effective?

As a young teenager, I suffered dreadfully from strained muscles. I always seemed to be putting my neck out and often had sore shoulders. At 14 I was prescribed a preparation cream to alleviate the pains. It worked too, but mum always had to thoroughly wash her hands after applying it. It was brutal stuff! So, because I remembered this, after I massaged it into his back, I washed my hands about 20 times before I was satisfied it was all gone.

The old silverback seemed to appreciate it too. In the time I'd obsessively scrubbed my hands he had fallen into a deep sleep. It was the first night he'd had peace for weeks. I crawled in beside him and gave Sleeping Beauty a quick kiss before turning over. I fell asleep pretty quickly too, due to the fact that the moanin' git was comatose at last.

I woke up at 4am!

My ARSE WAS ON FIRE!

I was like one of those cartoon characters with a firecracker tied to my tail!

That was the last time I slept naked, I can tell ya!

It's Tuesday, this must be Belgium?

2009-09-07T01:49:00.001+01:00

For those of you who haven't heard me yattering on about it yet, I've booked a trip to Holland in a month's time. The kids and I have been there before, two years ago, but old Silverback is coming with us this time, which is great.

Anyway, I'm rather excited about it, because I rather like Holland. In total I've been there 3 times now. In 2007 we drove to Italy and France, and if you know me by now (I say that a LOT! hmmm) you'll know that Italy is one of my favourite places in the World. I was concerned that Holland just wouldn't live up to Italia. However, it's just different, not scenic but pretty, not mountainous (in fact it's the flattest place ever), but beautiful in it's own way. The architecture especially is fabulous and the people are friendly. We are going in October and the weather isn't boiling hot, but that's not why we're going.

So, when I'm excited about something, I tend to talk about it a lot, to any poor sod who'll listen (sometimes you, my captive audience!), which is why I was telling a customer about our trip, on Saturday at work.

Customer: I've ALWAYS wanted to go to Holland...but then I love cheese.

Me: (ignoring the cheese comment on account that I was afraid I'd laugh involuntarily) It's not costing us a lot to go there actually...(it's extremely good value).

Customer: I love travelling.... *looks wistfully at the sky* you're so lucky (which I know already).

Me: So do I! this is the second time I've been actually....she looked interested so I carried on...we're staying in a caravan on a site that is right next door to a Theme Park. It's great because if you're staying on the site you get into the Theme Park for free.

She looked even more interested.

Customer: My kids would LOVE that! Where is it? What's it called?

So, I give her the information and then she says...

Customer: We went to Efteling once with the kids, they had a brilliant time.

Me: Efteling's in Holland isn't it?

Customer: No, I don't think so?! (I knew so!!).

Customer: It's quite close to Rotterdam...

Me: ...which is in HOLLAND (you dumb ass!).

She laughed, I laughed, I finished the transaction and we chatted a bit more about Efteling's appeal.

I had already discovered that Efteling is the largest Theme Park in the Netherlands, is twice as large as the original Disneyland park and predates it by three years, but I didn't want to appear like a complete smart arse! She said it was a great place, well worth a visit...then she left.

Okay, so I sound like a right smug bitch, but I'm like that when it comes to travel because I'm a truly frustrated Travel Agent. I'm also a bit incredulous when someone doesn't know they've BEEN to a country! I mean, a theme park's a theme park...it could be anydamnedplace, but Holland's not a big country and it's pretty distinctive as countries go.

So, since I've booked said holiday, I've been scouring the net for information on Holland's tourist attractions. I intend seeing bits of the country I didn't see last time around. I MAY go to Efteling, on that customer's recommendation!

I decided to check out Trip Advisor, because it's always pretty accurate, well, it's real people's opinions, so how much more accurate can you get eh? The first review I read was SO long that I gave up reading eventually and it was so full of complaints. Some people live to complain, so I tend to ignore those ones. Another I read bemoaned the fact that she didn't like the campsite OR the Theme Park because all the signs were in DUTCH! Hahahahahahahaha!.... or this one "I wasn't sure about it. We'd never been to Holland, we don't speak a word of Dutch and I'm not that into clogs and tulips". I think she may have been writing that with a smile on her face...but she went on..."I had seen more windmills in France than I saw in Holland". (this reminds me about my blog about stereotypical Scots!).

Anyway, despite their ignorance annoying the hell out of me, it also tickled me enormously and reminded me of an article Ashley and I nearly peed our pants reading whilst away in the Summer! I'm sure they'll appeal to you too!

Funny holiday complaints

“We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

“On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”

"It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time - this should be banned.”

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

“I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.”

“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”

“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

“The beach was too sandy.”

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?” This was by far our most favourite one!!

“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

“Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

I hope you got as much of a laugh at these people's expense, as we did!

SEASONS

2009-09-02T18:31:00.001+01:00

I know some of you have noticed how down in the dumps I've been and I've much appreciated the letters, messages and virtual bitchslaps...yes, even them, because actually I hate being a miserable old cow, whatever the reason behind it. There are obviously a number of reasons behind my foul moods of late, but I know the main one is the weather. Now, the weather here is really nice right now but it's getting darker earlier at night and that only means one thing....Winter is on the way.

Yup, it's pretty, but what do the owners of the cars on the far left of the pic really think of it?

Gawd...how I hate Winter! And yes, I know a few of you don't and I respect that too. I don't understand you...but I respect it.

Once long ago, when I was slim and single, I rather enjoyed the sun. Actually, that's not entirely true because I had a tendency to wander about in the sun rather than sit in it, but I loved that feeling of warmth. I loved feeling the sun on my face, albeit for such a short time (I have to watch I don't burn my face) but the rest of me goes a weird shade of brown and never burns. Despite my natural affinity avec la soleil, I protect my skin and I always have. I don't know where my common sense attitude came from because back in the 70's (when I was growing up) skin cancer just wasn't known about like it is now. One of my flatmates used to slap on baby oil, fuckme...OIL! Silly girl. I used to warn her she was doing herself damage but she didn't listen. There isn't a moral to this because as far as I know she's perfectly healthy, but you and I know that it's long-term damage that's the problem here.

Anyway, my love affair is not so much with the sun, but with warmth. I'm perfectly happy to sit in the shade on a hot day, in fact I crave it at times, but I love being able to kick off my shoes and walk in warm sand, to feel a warm breeze on my face and through my hair, feel warm summer rain on my tongue. I love sunrises and sunsets because they fill me with joy!

The sun dropping silently into the sea at St Ives, Cornwall, April 09.

Despite my love of Summer, Autumn features high in my season appreciation. The temperature is dropping here only slightly and the wind is beginning to blow just a little harder. The leaves are nearly on the turn and Autumn is imminent. Autumn or Fall is wonderful. The colours...oh god the colours! They inspire me, warm me, make me smile. But I'd love Autumn more if it didn't herald the beginning of Winter. Winter could be acceptable if it weren't for snow, in my opinion. What bloody good does snow do? Unless you're some kind of Winter Sport enthusiast, or love taking pictures of snow, or just like the look of the stuff? I could get that I think, given my love of views and scenery. My older friends here will know that I take pictures regardless of the weather... Snow though, I just don't get it's appeal. It doesn't help plants grow (as far as I know), it's cold, it only looks pretty for 5 minutes and then it turns brown and slushy and people get irritated by it. People moan about the snow more often than not...which in turn makes them moan about other things, it has a knock on effect. Actually, people just moan much more in the Winter months than at any other time of year. Constant moaners just get me down, I want to shake them, take them outside and show them how lucky they are to just BE! In the Summer you can stick on the AC or a fan, you can get out of blistering heat in many ways. I cannot begin to imagine what it's like living in blistering heat however, I've only ever spent short times in it, I suspect blistering heat would be murder to live in...!

It's great, however to get your jammies on, to curl up on the sofa with the heating on, to close out the dark and the cold. I enjoy nights like that...occasionally, but when I'm forced to stay inside for months on end...aaahhh, it kills me. I miss seeing the green of the trees and the grass, I miss seeing the flowers, the blossom in Spring, I even miss rain and wind. I don't want to be closed away with the sun, I want to be out there where the air is fresh and warm, where the days are long and the nights are balmy. I suspect that I despise Winter because it locks me in, restricts me.

I haven't mentioned Spring properly yet. I want to end on Spring. Spring is the most glorious of the seasons to me. It is hope of the new year, the year starts for me in April, with it's showers and it's blossom, it's sweet smells and cool sunny days. Even thinking about Spring makes me smile. Scotland's weather is so changeable but I had no doubt which Season I wanted to get married in. We married in April on a day which started promisingly, but changed predictably, into a force ten gale! (I shit you not). I had to hold onto my veil, my dress, my bouquet as I walked the short distance over the cobbles to the front door of the church. However, the buildings are made to withstand our volatile climate and we were fine once inside. We went abroad for our honeymoon to the island of Lanzarote off the west coast of Africa. Lanzarote is notoriously nicknamed the "windy isle" due to the trade winds which sweep past it. I LOVED it! It was perfect for me. Copious amounts of sun, breezes and no rain or snow. I haven't been back to the Canary Islands for 15 years now. I think I would spend the whole Winter there should I ever become rich or famous and rich?!

The beautiful volcanic coastline of Lanzarote still holds a place in my heart!

Anyway, I think I know who will comment about what here but tell me please, what is your favourite season and why?

Broccoli Quiche - The Spooky Way

2009-07-08T10:55:00.001+01:00

Broccoli Quiche

A delicious quiche from France (by that I think they mean it is a French dish..ie. Quiche Lorraine, which is a County or a State or whatever they call it in France, and not that it came all the way from France, like, today or something). It can be eaten as a starter or main meal. Ideal for lunches, picnics, parties, Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings. Don't waste time making this if everyone is just coming over to get hammered though, or you may just find it thrown up in the master bathroom later on.

Suitable for vegetarian (I think it would actually be suitable for more than one vegetarian, unless they were particularly hungry).

12oz ( 340g ) short crust pastry, homemade or frozen
1 lb ( 450 g ) broccoli - you could also substitute this with spam or something equally yucky.
4 large eggs (I don't think they mean ostrich eggs though? Chicken eggs will do nicely)
5 tablespoons of cream (means you will have almost a full carton left to pour over the big fuckin' gateaux you have for afters)
5 tablespoons of milk
a pinch of grated nutmeg
1 cup of freshly grated hard cheese, parmesan or cheddar (foot shavings will NOT be acceptable here)
salt and freshly ground pepper

preheat oven a : 200 c ( 400 f - gas 6 )

grease a flan dish 10 in ( 26 cm ) and dust with flour (the dish that is, don't flour yourself. That would just be stupid)
roll out the pastry and line the flan dish
place in refrigerator and chill for 1/2 hour (along with the 3 bottles of wine you intend getting absolutely off your face with later when the kids are in bed and all your guests have fucked off)
cut broccoli into small pieces, discarding hard stalks and any yuckity yuck bits from the spam (duh)
boil for 5 -7 minutes in salted water, drain and put aside - don't throw it away though as my mum once did with the potatoes! Gawd, how we laughed!
bake pastry blind ( line raw pastry with foil or greaseproof paper and fill with dried beans or cooking beads to prevent the pastry from rising - just incase you are so fucking thick that you didn't even know what baking blind meant....jeeezzzus! ) for 15 minutes
mix eggs, cream, milk, some of the grated cheese, grated nutmeg and salt and pepper together (in fact, everything that you have left lying around besides the broccoli)
turn oven temperature to 150c (300F - gas 2) - that's right! Don't explain WHY we have to turn the oven down!
place the broccoli into pastry and pour the mixture over, adding the rest of cheese on top
bake in the middle of the oven for 30 minutes, until well risen and golden brown - Ah, that's why!
serve with side salad, delicious (Yummity, yummity, Yum)
Bon Appétit (merci beaucoup, I'll try not to choke on any stray hard stalks or bits of spam)

Should look something like this:

.....and definitely NOT like this, because this, and the accompanying salad? looks MANK, although the strawberries look okayish...

Alternatively, you could always go to the Supermarket where they have a selection of frozen or chilled Quiche....and, it will probably cost you less than making it forfucksake!

Holy Smoke!

2009-07-08T10:35:00.004+01:00

I am not religious! I was brought up to go to Sunday School and then to church as I became older. I attended School Church services at Christmas and Easter and whenever else they deemed we should go, but as I grew up and started rebelling, I decided that church was NOT for me. That disappointed my mum I know. She had grown up attending church every Sunday, and even though she missed some weeks, still tried to go as much as possible. I never cussed in the house, I STILL will not swear in front of my parents. I remember once saying "For God's Sake" and getting the "look" and a stern telling off. I don't think I really understood the significance of it all though. Why would God care? But now that I'm a adult (!) with God-sakers of my own, I actually cringe when they say it...which is odd really?

One time mum made my dad and I go to church because she had the flu or something... Dad had also been brought up in a God fearing family but wasn't so rapt with the whole thing. The minister at the time was a man called Rev. Raffan. He was THE most boring man I ever had the misfortune to come across with the dullest of monotone voices, the epitome of dull in fact. He never smiled, he barely even spoke with his eyes open. I reckon the poor dude would turn in his grave to see the guitar playing, hand waving, dancing parishoners now. Anyway, after a sermon that had already lasted an hour or more he ended with a prayer. The very action of having my head bowed was making me sleepy and my arse had well and truly gone numb. I was WILLING this torture to end. "Amen" he droned. Thank God! I looked across at dad....he was SNORING! I actually had to wake him just so we could leave. After Mr Raffan retired, he was replaced by a succession of ministers who were far more modern in their outlook but by that time I had had enough!

And that's when I became a heathen!

Funnily enough, although I jokingly refer to myself as a heathen...my religious beginnings STILL have a profound effect on me. Enough, it seems, to make me question my language these days at least.

I have noticed of late, that I am using the Lord's name in vain an awful lot. Of course I write OMG...it rolls off my fingers on a regular basis, but recently I have also been using "In the name of God", "Jesus Christ", "Holy God"....just as an example!...and the reason I am writing this blog is because I REALLY don't want to offend anyone who loves Jesus. I know there are a few of you and I honestly don't mean any harm, or offence. I admire those who have beliefs, it's just NOT for me.

A while back I got an add request on Myspace from a dude called Wayne. Now I never just add people willy-nilly. I have to vet them first and when I went to look at Wayne's comment board I could see that the vast majority of his (vocal) friends were highly religious! So, responsible Myspazzer that I am, I wrote to him privately and voiced my concerns...ie "what on earth do you think you are doing adding me??? I am a foul mouthed woman...have you not read my blogs?" He replied that he just wanted to meet people from around the World and that if I was writing a comment to him, would I please choose my language carefully! Actually, I WOULDN'T...because, if he didn't want me to be ME then WHY would he want me as a friend? However, I found his conversion tactics vaguely amusing and considered biding my time before sending him a message full of profanity....but I never did, because rebellious as I feel at times, I am NOT a disrespectful person. Eventually though, he annoyed me so intensely with his Holy Joe Bulletins every 2 seconds, that I deleted him from my friend's list! Ya see, I can appreciate other's religious beliefs...I just cannot abide them being foisted on me. I can't be done with people coming to my door. I've never really got why I would turn religious JUST because someone is standing on my doorstep and telling me that God will save me? My dad used to invite the JW's in and I can remember clearly coming home to find a family of them firmly esconsced in our dining room eating biscuits and drinking tea! Mum and Dad are BOTH such fair people. They don't have a bad bone in their bodies really. They believe in listening to everyone equally before deciding on anything. They brought me up to be that way too.

I actually admire people who have faith. It is a good quality to have I think and must be reassuring in so many ways, on so many levels....but just as I KNOW I will never be an anorexic....you will never find me donning my Sunday best or with a bumper sticker which reads

I watched a programme a while back about the extremist religious culture in America. It's not that we don't have these freaks here, but it is just so much more pronounced over there! There was this one little kid who has been dragged up to preach, just as his father does. He gets up on his soapbox, in the middle of the street and PREACHES fire and brimstone! It was truly horrific because he ended up crying (good grief) when his dad got verbally stoned! You may have seen this programme too? I also watched another show with this whole family preaching about God not loving homosexuals etc. It just does not make sense to me? If God loves everyone, why does he not love gay people too? I'm sure if he loves everyone, he must EVEN love me despite my non-belief?

This blog is not really theoretical or political. I know little about either.

Humour is my religion and Billy Connolly is my God of choice!

Thank you for holding...

2009-07-08T10:33:00.001+01:00

I recently had a boiler malfunction (no jokes please, this is a family blog).

I called the Hydro at least three times every second day for the best part of the five coldest months that I was without heating! I was on hold for approximately 3/4 of that time. If I was lucky I might then be transferred to Eddie the patrionising Glaswegian dickwad, a robot or to someone from India I couldn't understand and who seemingly could not understand ME!

Those endless hours on hold with only Jack Johnson for company completely screwed with my head. I never liked the dude in the first place forfucksake!

So...I'd like to say to the Hydro...I'm really glad that my business is important to you and I'm CHUFFED to bits that my patience was appreciated...but let's face it, I didnt have much of a say in the matter, now did I?

Oh...And one other thing...CHANGE UR EFFIN' HOLD MUSIC! Pretty please x

Spot the difference

2009-07-08T10:29:00.002+01:00

I used to work with a girl who had blackheads in her ears! It bothered me. Not in an ewww kinda way (tho' it is a bit ewww), but because it occured to me that if she didn't REALISE she had zitty ears then how many more of us have the same affliction?

What if I too have blackheads in MY ears?? I mean Ive TRIED to look but my eyes are at the front of my head and my ears are at the sides. It's impossible! (Like pigs can't look up at the sky. Why would they want to? To see if their mates are up there?).

I've tried the two mirror trick...no joy there! I meticuously clean my ears with a selection of spot elimination products, zit zappers, cotton buds, industrial steam cleaners...I even ask the kids to check them out for any acne vulgaris, to their great amusement...but its NOT funny! It's deadly serious!

I haven't tried taking a photograph yet, so maybe thats a plan!

But say I DO have zitty ears? What then? It's not like I could get two fingers in there to pop them is it?

Aaaargh! I think far too much about nothing!

Talking sense

2009-07-08T10:16:00.003+01:00

I think I may finally have lost the plot!

You may think I lost it long ago...and you could be right. But, I know that I've always been quite well balanced. Even in my darkest hours, when I have been rocking in the corner and hugging my knees, tears cascading down my cheeks...I've always known that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

And I woke in a rather cheery mood today. When I've felt a bit pissed off or grumpy lately, I've given myself a slap and reminded myself that I'll see the beautifus Fairy Crystal in just a few days. I am really excited about this little trip, as I always am when I am about to spend time with my beloved friends.

I awoke at 6.45am...which, if you didn't know, is not a natural thing for me. Once apon a time in the days BC (before children), I sprang early from bed, warbling like feckin' Snow White....but something happened to me when I had them I think? Because nowadays I'd rather lie-in, with blinkers and ear-plugs, in that snuggly warmth and just daydream til midday! But today, I was first up. BigDougie was still sound asleep. It occured to me to wake him, because he had intended going to work, but he was already late. I KNEW he'd wake in a bad humour and I was feeling particularly chipper.

I got up and padded through to my son's room. I tried to wake him, but he grunted so I figured I'd leave him for 15 minutes. Then I tried to waken the girls. Same reaction there. I decided to leave them, so that I could enjoy my good mood in peace at least.

It didn't last long! "FUCK RIGHT OFF!" He'd slept in then!! He's lovely when he's just woken up...not, so I went back to bed, my mood slightly dampened.

I eventually woke the kids, once the bear with the sore head had left, and it appeared their moods were similar to his.

This was when I started losing the plot!

This was when I started TALKING TO MYSELF!

"mutter, mutter, mutter...I was in a bloody good mood before this lot got up...mutter, mutter"

I took them all to school and headed straight down to Homebase to buy sealant for the bath!

"mutter, mutter...bloody sealant piece of crap ...mutter, mutter, mutter"

There was a sale on in Homebase, so I wandered around instead of heading straight for the sealant.

"mutter, mutter...oooooh, nice cushions...mutter...ooooh a bath mat, okay sunshine...do you NEED another bath mat?...mutter"

I was talking out loud. Okay, so I wasn't shouting, but my lips were moving. Anyone seeing me would have thought I was a bit simple!

I decided to buy the bathmat and headed over to the sealant section.

"mutter, mutter....hmmmmm, that last stuff was shit! Maybe I should get this other kind?....mutter, mutter"

I was talking to myself AGAIN FFS!

Am I THAT starved of company?

Anyway, I came home and got stuck into sealing the bath. This was my second attempt. The damned thing has been leaking for ages. I was determined to sort it this time!

But could I get the fuckin' piece of shit sealant to come out of the tube? Could I bogroll! I stood there, sweating and swearing, my glasses sliding their way down my nose.

"Fuck off, piece of shit glasses....mutter, mutter....damned sealant!....and they make it sound SO easy on the back of the tube...mutter, mutter, mutter.... yeah and tell me I need a knife before I go upstairs mutter, mutter, mutter...stick GODAMMIT!.....mutter, how the HELL did I get that stuff on my trousers, now I'll have to chuck them...mutter, mutter...actually, that looks okay this time, what do you think?...mutter...yeah, pretty good...mutter, mutter, shit you missed a bit...COME OUT OF THE TUBE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!...mutter, mutter..."

Omg! I was TOTALLY talking to myself and what was worse was that I was answering myself too! I had turned into a woman that I used to work with. She was tiny, like a little black bird. She was tiny and insignificant and she was always alone. I felt for her. I didn't work in the same department or I might have talked to her. However, it appeared that she was perfectly content with her own company. I think it was about the second time I'd seen her. She was walking down the steps to the shopping centre behind our work and she was talking...nae, chattering, complete with hand movements and nods and the occasional laugh when she would throw her head back! I was mesmerized! This was in the day before bluetooth and mobile phones. Who in hell's name was she talking to?? I looked behind me but we were the only two people there. No, she was definitely talking to herself....good lord! This mousy little woman was completely animated and completely in a world of her own.

I saw her around a lot after that, on the bus home, in the work's canteen. I was a little envious of her, not caring who saw her chattering to herself and she made me smile, but I have to admit that it amused me a little too. I never felt sad for her though. Her and her imaginary friend were completely happy in La-la land!

Recognising that I too had become some kind of jibbering idiot I had to laugh, but it made me wonder how long I had been conversing with myself out loud!? I mean, I've always spoken to myself...everyone does it, but I was really vocal today.

I need to get out of this house and get that job for sure!

Once, a long time ago, I was driving down the hill to my house when a huge plane flew almost directly over me. This is not unusual because the Airport is only 10 minutes away, but we're not in the flightpath and it did seem to be flying pretty low.

"Oooooh look at the big plane" I said loudly in that "mum" voice that's used exclusively for the kids....before realising that I was completely alone in the car! My dad laughed when I told him that story.

I think it has something to do with having kids actually. Your brain cells turn to mince and you are so starved of adult conversation that you resort to talking to the only grown up in the place....which just happens to be YOU!

But when your kids are all grown up and conversing fully though.....what's your excuse then?

So yup, it's official! I've lost the plot!

Word Prefect

2009-07-07T22:40:00.003+01:00

Words fascinate me!

I think they always have, ever since I was a little kid. Mum says that I was reading before I went to school...at least, looking at the pictures, not actually reading...I am NOT a child genius or anything. Mum was a teacher though and was fond of telling me, when I had my own little readers, just how like me they were. She also told me that you can tell if a child will be a good reader, just by the way that they hold a book...this can be anything from an Argo's catalogue or the phone book. Some children hold books the wrong way...apparently!

Anyway, this is not about my reading prowess, but about words.

Tonight as I was driving to the supermarket I passed a car coming towards me. It was a huge black SUV, gorgeous looking vehicle I must say, tinted windows and chrome wheel trims....but, I did as I ALWAYS do, and checked out the Registration plate!

BI5 CCK

I'll bet he wishes! In actual fact, I'd put money on it that he has a cck the size of a pencil.

If, however, you are not like me, and didn't see the wordplay, then it's unlikely that you would have found that as funny as I did. I was laughing for ages (and talking loudly to myself...as usual).

I never notice cars, but I ALWAYS notice their number plates. Across the road from our house sits a large jeepy kinda thing with the number plate L4U RFN. I assume her name is Lauren?...she just wasn't quick enough to secure the LAU REN plate. Actually, I don't particularly GET the whole private number plate thang! It's a bit of a status symbol here, or it used to be at least....now everyone and their BR0T43R can get one.

Anyway BI5 CCK had me intrigued! Just HOW much do these things cost exactly? To say I nearly fell off my chair in shock, would be a huge understatement. OM6!

1 HRH - which would suggest you were v. important, would set you back £113,000! (approximately $258,000) Fuckme! I suppose you could always sell the corgis or summat? The closest I could find to SP00KY would set me back £45,000...and it's not even CLOSE to it. SP 3? SPTHREE? I think not! So, all in all, I'm glad that I care little for private number plates....I've saved myself a few bob!

Anyway...words! This is just an example of how I see everyday words. I'm CONVINCED that I will not be the only one who does this?

In the UK, the sign TO LET is everywhere you look really, yet I always read it as TOILET, which would be handy when one of my offspring needs to pee, which on a long journey can be every 5 minutes. There is never a TO LET when you need one, don't you find?

One day at work, I had a customer at my checkout who was wearing a fetching navy boiler suit with the words

LES

Supervisor

embroidered on it.

"Ooooh" says I, "I take it your name's Les?" He looked at me in that NO SHIT SHERLOCK way as I continued "as opposed to Les Supervisor? You must work for a French company then?" To begin with I thought he truly had not "got" it, but then he laughed and said "Gawd, NOBODY has ever noticed or said that before. You are very quick!"

Bless him...for noticing my potential!

Thing is, although I barely read these days (although I am working on that), I play Scrabble every day, at least 10 times on my phone. The Scrabble that I play on my phone is the highest difficulty, as playing the easy one against the computer, just does NOT tax my brain enough...and it has taught me hundreds of new words that I never knew existed. I have to say that Thesauruses and dictionaries interest me way more than actual novels do...in fact, sometimes I tend to proof read books, I find mistakes, and that disturbs me...sometimes even to the point that I can NOT continue reading that book. But, I don't consider myself a word snob. I have many friends who can't spell to save their life, and frankly, it is NO indication of intelligence. Admittedly, I USED to be a snob about it and would quite often (omg I hate to admit this...) dismiss someone on chat rooms, on msn etc, just because they couldn't correspond with me without glaring typos. I've grown up now, is all I can say in my defence. I TOTALLY believe that people should write regardless of whether they feel nervous about it or not. Basically, intelligent people who can't spell....ALWAYS know they can't spell! Much like intelligent tone deaf people are NEVER under the allusion that they can sing! But, this is an ENTIRELY different blog!

The one thing that is guaranteed to severely hack me off though...are these:

It's not just the fact that they seem intent on mis-spelling everydamnedword, but for me, My worry is that by my sending someone a funny picture of a cat...they will also think that I AGREE wit da freekee spellinz! I am all for abbreviations, I don't mind lol and stuff but these pictures really rile me!

When I was at college, and thereafter at work, I was never happier than when I was working on the Desk-Top Publishing programs or on anything that required typography. Where others would just chuck some words on a piece of paper....VOILA....a poster!, I would be there for HOURS in the pursuit of a poster extraordinaire! It is something the same with blogs to be honest, although I am rather restricted on layouts. It frustrates me. I sense I'll be judged by the way that I lay the type on the page, which is completely ridiculous, but it keeps me up nights!!

I wonder if, for me, it is more about how the words LOOK rather than what they say, that is important?

I think I just answered myself....again!

Because You're Worth It!

2009-07-06T18:29:00.001+01:00

We needed shampoo the other day. We'd resorted to using that crap that you have in the bathroom but never use unless you absolutely have to. I hate shit shampoo. I know that the expensive shampoo's are often no better than the cheap shite, but I do try and buy the best I can and I can't resist a bargain! I get seduced very easily by BOGOF's and 2 for the price of 1's, so I was delighted (in a very sad excited way) when I realised that there was a special offer of 3 (very enormous bottles) of Elvive Nutri-Gloss, for £5.00 in my local supermarket.

Now, I was a tad wary, as I had never used any L'Oreal's products before. As powerful as advertising is, it has never drawn me in entirely. I have to say that I am not a huge fan of Andie McDowell (although I thought she was excellent in Planet of the Apes..hahahaha)....and the fact that the talentless bitch was telling me that I too could look as fuckin' amazing as she does at 56 (or whatever age she is), didn't seduce me in the slightest. I don't rate Andie MacDowell...but she is really the tip of the supermodel/actress iceberg where endorsing is involved. I knew that there was a long line of lovelies tossing their shiny manes...Beyonce, Eva Longoria, Heather Locklear, Penelope Cruz, Milla Jovovich, Claudia Scheiffer...to name but 6. I had forgotten about Natalia Imbruglia! Now, that bird is stunning, and she can sing! She has great hair, teeth, eyes and skin. Bitch! and....I SO would! There is one L'Oreal model who has been with them, it seems since infancy, and her name is Laetitia Casta. You may not know her name, but you WILL know her face. The first time I saw Ms Casta was for Sun Creme. She was prancing around a tropical beach with a scantie bikini on and (in a very badly dubbed way) promoting the splendiforness of it. I remember thinking...fuck! Nice face, shame about the teeth!! Honestly, the girl must be raking in the bucks....don't they have cosmetic dentistry in Spazikstania...or wherever she comes from?

Anyway...back to the cheap shampoo story! Sheesh! I have been known to buy cheapish, although I do draw the line at washing up liquid or soap. To be honest, I spent a shitload on a shampoo once which promised me hair of spun gold or some such bollox...but all it did was made me feel like I'd got 3rd degree burns on my scalp. It was so tender and sore that I had to use a much more expensive product to sort it out. I was allergic to it possibly but there it sits, in my bathroom, gathering dust...just incase we run out of the good shit! Why can't I throw shit out???

For the longest time I used Pantene, which was great, but it's so sodding expensive and then I discovered Sunsilk. Great stuff and quite reasonably priced, but, I get bored with the same old thing, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet cleaners...husbands.... I think I actually WANT to be seduced. Not however, in the way that the girls in the Fruit Fusions ads do!!! If I wanted to orgasm loudly in a waterfall I sure as hell wouldn't be doing it JUST by washing my freakin' hair!! I'd make sure I had a dude in there with me for one thing. Yeah, okay, it's great if you want to cum in Tahiti and that the stuff smells good enough to eat...but I'm not about to eat it! I need it for an entirely different thing thank you very much.

Anyway, back to L'Oreal (because I nearly forgot the point of this blog), I bought 3 humungous bottles of this Nutri-Gloss shampoo, not actually knowing if it'd be any good. I could have purchased 3 bottles of battery acid again? However...My hair feels fuckin' fantastic! It does exactly what it says on the tin and I have glossy, nutri-hair(?) suddenly. I don't have an itchy, flaky scalp, no burning sensations as I got with TRESEME (yup, I'm gonna name and shame them). I almost feel like flicking my head round in slow motion whilst wearing a bikini on a tropical beach....Because I'm worth it!

....

....Hahaha...dubbed again Laetitia. They just don't want her to open her mouth too wide is all!

Things that make me smile!

2009-07-06T18:21:00.003+01:00

Things that make me smile!

Getting up in the morning and seeing the sun shining.
Feeling the sun on my face.
Feeling healthy.
Chocolate...and the eating of...
Hearing my mobile phone buzz, 'cause it means someone I love is contacting me.
My kids laughter.
My dad's laughter, because it makes me feel so close to him (we have exactly the same sense of humour).
My friends laughter.
Ian's laughter....(it's rare, but infectious as hell).
Music. If it's music I like, I smile because I like it but if it's music I don't like I smile because it amuses me that other people will think it's good.
When I see I have a blog comment/comment/message on Myspace.
Chris Martin's mouth (omg...have you SEEN it) and because his singing makes my heart melt.
Animals, because I just love animals...especially little kittens and puppies and baby things.
Going to the movies.
Going out to a restaurant with anyone I love!
Dancing or watching other people dancing fills me with joy.
Seeing my friends or family smile because of something I have said or done.
Fruit - I really love fruit (though not as much as chocolate).
Dolphins, penguins and seals, just because...
The Olympics...the people on them inspire me.
Good food.
Beautiful scenery, mountains, lakes, sea, anything....I just love views.
Driving fast with my music blasting and the sun streaming through my open window.
Seeing someone with a truly individual sense of style, someone who doesn't give a shit what other's think of them.
Camping and being in the open air and meeting other people who love the simple things in life, who enjoy spending their evenings around a campfire or bbq, swapping stories, drinking wine and LAUGHING, making their OWN entertainment.
Seeing Clowns getting punched in the fuckin' face!
People who are optimists, though not "perfect" people who think everyfuckin'thing is wonderful, just normal people with real life experiences who I can relate to and who KNOW who they are.

And YOU! 'cause you make me smile a LOT!

Things that don't make me smile!

Getting up in the morning and seeing that it has snowed in the night.
Feeling cold and knowing that I have to wear sensible shoes and fuckin' coats.
Big thick coats with buttons!
Feeling sick!
Liquorice, aniseed and the like....boak!
Hearing the words Hi, this is your kid's teacher/the bank/some firm trying to sell something I'm NEVER gonna need/some foreign dude that I can't understand when I pick up the phone.
Hearing my kids crying.
Hearing my dad crying, because it means he is REALLY upset...like when my brother left to live in Australia. Omg, that was TRULY the worst day of my life.
Ian crying (it's rare but heartbreaking).
Folky Scottish music (because it's embarrasingly shit).
Rap from someone who isn't black or American but is trying to sound like they are black or American or both! (this does not include Eminem 'cause I luvs him).
When I get an add request on Myspace from some band or from someone who doesn't leave a message.
Getting a remark which is snide or sarcastic or just plain bitchy from someone that I probably don't like that much anyway.
Mariah Carey because she just riles me for some reason.....maybe because she is a pig in knickers?
Hearing people sing off key, but who are convinced that they are great singers...possibly because someone who is equally tone deaf told them they are good.
Animals who are unfriendly/yappy/or just plain nasty (it's more likely I will dislike their owners though).
Going shopping....it TRULY bugs me. Just because I am a woman, does not mean that loving shopping is compulsory.
Eating a picnic on a beach with fuckin' sand everyfuckin'where....Urgh!
Cross country running, jogging, gymnastics or swimming lengths...The first 3 because I have boobs! and the swimming 'cause it's bores the pants off me.
Knowing I have displeased someone I love. There is nothing worse than seeing my mum with her "mouth like a cat's arse" expression or disappointment in my dad's eyes. I hate when my kids look scared at me when I'm shouting but worse than ANYTHING is when I see total disinterest in what I'm saying from ANYONE!
Blue cheese is rank, it's mouldy and I just DON'T do mould!
Scorpians/spiders/things that sting....they scare the shit outa me.
Most other Sporting events on television, namely Tennis, Golf, Cricket (ffs that is the WORST), having to be in the same room when Ian is watching The Fishing Channel, Motor Racing or American Fuckin' Wrestling...zzzzzzzzz.
Bad food, food that has fat on it, anything that has "connective tissue" somewhere in it, slimy or mouldy food...(I think I shall just be a little bit sick in my mouth here).
Inner cities, ghettos and council estates, bad architecture, concrete and corrugated iron, graffitti and piss stained concrete.
Being stuck in traffic, or worse, being stuck in traffic in a "courtesy car" like a Ford Kaa or a Fiat Panda....fuck!...been there, done that!
People who dress to impress other people/their bosses/their partners and who don't have an individual bone in their body.
Men who wear yellow Speedo's/farrah slacks (flat cock trousers) and shoes with tassles...(worn altogether though? that would amuse me).
Being confined in a hotel or resort where you have to EAT when and what "they" decide or at a holiday camp where there is "Entertainment" laid on for the kids, bingo and shit like that. Fuck, I really hate that kinda holiday!
Clowns who make balloon animals.
Pessimists - people who think everyfuckin'thing is wrong, that the World is against them, women (or men) who are obsessed with their weight/their hair/themselves, bleeding heart types and sympathy seekers.

Thank you for listening!

Making yourself at home!

2009-07-06T18:04:00.003+01:00

I've lived in loads of places but one of the best was above a pub. We entered the flat from a side entrance, off of the Pub car park. It was totally self-contained and nobody bothered us. I have never been averse to noise, but it was pretty well insulated and quiet considering. I lived there with a friend. She was banging a bloke from her work and wasn't around much so this one night I was home alone, as usual, crashed on the sofa watchin TV when I heard her come in. Thinkin she'd be with her man and assuming that they'd be going straight to bed, I didnt call to her. They didnt go to her room though. It sounded as if she was giving him a tour of the flat, which was odd as he was no stranger, but it was none of my beeswax...so I sat where I was.

After about ten minutes of doors opening & closing I was getting a bit curious though and made for the door when suddenly it opened and there stood a right gormless twat of a bloke. It didnt occur to me to be scared...the dude was in MY HOUSE FFS!

I may be small, but I can be a scary wee fuck when riled. I pulled myself up to my full 5ft 3, hands on hips and said:

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"Erm" says he, lookin like he may piss his pants in fear at any moment "this aint the Pub, is it?"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE THE FUCKIN PUB? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOOSE!"

I managed to resist the temptation to shout BOO! as he turned and ran...

Day at the Theatre

2009-07-06T17:54:00.004+01:00

This is one story that ALWAYS makes me laugh so I've reposted it... to cheer anyone up that needs cheering up.

I've been putting off telling this story as I truly don't want to offend anyone but...here goes. My friend and I took my daughter, then 7, to see a show at the Theatre in Aberdeen.

As we settled into our seats it became apparent that we were surrounded by quite a number of special parties! and by the sound of it, they were already pretty excited, going by all the animalistic whoops and yelps.

As the show began, the whooping reached fever pitch & it sounded like we were at the zoo. My friend and I were shooting glances between each other, it was all we could do not to laugh out loud...and we were brought up well, we knew that would be considered rude. And through it all, my mature little kid sat watching the show, seemingly oblivious to the circus going on around her.

Suddenly, from the other side of the stalls came a deafening

GARALAGHDUHHEEEGUGHHOOOOEEEARGH!!

My daughter sat straight up and looking in the direction of the sound said, in a very loud voice...What IS that?!

My friend and I had been successfully holding in the laughter...until that moment!

My unpaid job!

2009-07-06T17:48:00.003+01:00

Though I am multi-talented, I'm particularly shit at keeping house. I consider it to be a huge waste of my time, I don't even get paid FFS! Do I clean, buff & polish just for the satisfaction of seeing my sweaty face in my kitchen taps? Uh No!

Ok, so I KNOW I'm missing the point here because cleanliness is next to godliness...right? But will Saint Pete turn me away from the Pearly Gates just because I forgot to bleach the effin' toilet? I think not!!

You see it's not that I NEVER clean, nor that I dont know how to. Im perfectly capable of ramming my bare hands down the U bend in the pursuit of sparkling pipes and I'm not scared of hard work (just a little averse to it), it's just that being a stay at home mum is so mind numbingly dull. Today I cleaned the toilets, did 5 loads of washing, the dishes, some hoovering and then sat my fat arse down to watch a made-for-TV movie, ate some leftover chilli, smoked a few cigs and did my taxi duty...and did ANYBODY thank me or comment that the bog smelled like a spring meadow? Did I receive some crisp notes in a brown envelope?

Did I bogroll!

I rest my case!!

BINGO!

2009-07-06T16:56:00.001+01:00

I have big flabby bingo wings! For anyone who does not know what a bingo wing is I shall enlighten you (and not take a picture because that would just be gross). Bingo wings are large, fleshy, flabby underarm fat....basically. ie. on women at Bingo Halls who wave their fleshy, flabby arms in the air to shout "BINGO" or "HOUSE" or whatever the hell they shout at Bingo Halls these days!

I never used to mind my arms but all of a sudden they took on a life of their own and became like big blancmanges. I swear every little morsel of food that I consume these days goes straight to my arms! I'm not saying that the rest of me is body beautiful, because it's far from it but if I lose weight then it WILL NOT go in that area. It seems nearly impossible to lose this particular fat?! Oh shit, I know all about the exercises yadda, yadda, blah...but I actually think that no amount of upper body workout would shift these bad girls now.

So, here's my dilemma!

What to do when the temperature is hitting the 100's? Do I hide away in long sleeve tops and jumpers (fuck no!) or do I expose my hideous bingo arms to the human hyenas? Yesterday I stood in my room for the LONGEST time inspecting my partially clothed body in the full length mirror! How COULD I go out looking like this?! How could I subject the public to such horrors?

In the end I plucked up all my courage (and I have to tell ya, I had to pluck up ALL my courage) and went out in a vest top (and other things haha) and, ya know what? Nobody said a damned thing. Nobody threw their arms up in horror. Nobody's eyes travelled down to the bingo wing area and Rob even said "nice top" when I saw him. All over the beach were the beautiful people in their bikinis and shorts and they were far too busy playing volleyball, or sunbathing, or swimming to care that I was there at all.

So, if you thought this was to be a blog about how much weight I need to lose then you'd have been wrong. I DO need to lose weight of course, but I've royally screwed it up for this Summer and anyway, I've always steered clear of the "ooooh there's .003 calories in that strawberry ya know?!" brigade, I do have an aversion to people who's lives are completely driven by weight loss/gain. I'm an unashamed lover of food. Food makes me happy a lot of the time. Maybe one day I'll write a blog about how much I despise naturally slim people pretending that they know what it's like to be a bingo winger like me, but not today. I'm off out to let my whole arm experience the rays of the glorious sunshine.

An example of my bingoers on a rare "night out".